phantom friend

I’ve been trying to understand a very strange feeling that surrounds me ever since Mary died.

It’s visceral and physical and envelopes the space of my life.

Words can’t describe it so I was searching for a metaphor or analogy and yesterday morning it came to me.

When people lose a limb they say that even though they know it’s gone – it feels like it’s still there.

That’s kind of how it feels in my life since Mary died.

I know she’s gone but it feels like she’s still here.

And I don’t mean that in a ghost/spirit kind of way.

It’s the strangest feeling and not comfortable at all.

There’s a dissonance in my world that feels like Mary should be in it and she’s not.

Nothing I can do about it but it helps to have an analogy.

Hey Mary, bet you never thought you’d be my phantom friend!

And hon?

It’s not getting easier.

This morning I sobbed with the pain of you not being here.

Sadness and a deep sense of loss is a note threading my life.




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