Uncertainty as a motivator
It’s bloody lucky that I’m drawn to the unknown because lately it’s become closer than a lover.
If my life at the moment was an image it would look like a wild animal stepping gingerly across ground that could become quicksand or a path and each step could be the last.
The image would not be of butterflies and kittens and sunshine beaming happily down on relaxed and smiling faces.
If I was a bear I’d look outside my cave, grunt, then disappear back inside for the winter.
On a scale of 1 to 10 on the ‘What the fuck do I do with this life’ meter, I’d be swinging up to 10 and possibly breaking the meter.
When deep uncertainty makes me want to sleep or scream
Sleep is deeply seductive to me as I love dreams and the peace it gives me from being awake.
For the last 4 days I’ve slept lots and doing anything active feels like moving through a fog of syrup.
I can feel the little claws of depression and despair scraping on the windows whispering their little odes
” you haven’t got any work and you’ll never get any”
” it’s all too hard – give up”
” you can’t do anything extraordinary at your age”
Gotta say, their little odes do have impact and I fight to tell them to shut the fuck up.
Thankfully I have a range of battle strategies from years of this war.
Today it’s simple stuff like making sure I eat something healthy and stay away from anything that has sugar in it because it makes me crazy sad and mad.
Get a grip; get perspective; get glimmers of light
It’s a word battle with the gremlins.
I literally have to take their words and throw them back so I gain perspective and don’t tumble into despair.
”I do have a little work and need to do more things in the next week to attract more.”
” I haven’t given up so far and writing on LIPS and acknowledging the crap I feel does help”
” I don’t know what extraordinary things I could do or be at my age so why don’t I add that on my list of things to forage and research over the next year?”
Words do have enormous power and I need to be constantly on guard for the nasty subversives.
The glimmers of light? The inspiration?
I focus on what I’ve been able to achieve and keep setting myself things to do that work with LIPS.
I really have no idea what I want to do or be now that I’m back in Oz and that uncertainty can be fab and mad.
For the next little while it’ll be small steps, but as long as I’m moving, I’m not dead.